Still Living
by ejzah
Summary: Kensi and Deeks decide to keep their engagement quiet for the time being. Sort of post-ep for "Unleashed". Possible spoilers if you have not seen the season 8 finale.


A/N: So I came up with this fic which takes place after "Unleashed" while supposedly listening to my annual respite caregiver information. This is my idea of how Kensi and Deeks might handle their engagement. Mostly takes place a few months after "Unleashed" so I guess you could say it's a very post-ep. The title doesn't mean that I think any of the characters will have 'moved on' but rather that you have to keep moving and living despite the terrible things that happen. I think my original idea derailed a little, but hopefully it still makes some sense.

It's fairly late where I live, so I apologize if there are any typos or other weirdness (I'm not even sure what I'm writing anymore).

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Still Living

"We can't tell anybody, you know." The unexpected comment draws Kensi from her wandering musings and back to where she's currently seated next to Deeks in the passenger side of the car.

"Hmm?" She responds after a moment. Deeks apparently mistakes her lack of attention for confusion since he repeats, "We can't tell anybody, especially Sam." He lifts their joined hands to clarify and as he does the mid-afternoon sunlight catches on her ring.

"I know." She agrees simply.

Despite the very public nature of their engagement, few people other than Nell seemed to have witnessed the moment. Once they'd returned to the mission, the entire team minus Sam had been consumed with dealing with the entire mess created by Tahir and supporting their grieving teammate as much as they could.

"It's way too soon." Deeks adds, his eyes still lingering on the ring he'd offered her a few nights ago, worn on an extended pinky finger and accompanied by his very best puppy dog look.

"It's ok, we know and that's all that matters." Kensi murmurs, sharing a smile with her fiancé.

Three months later Kensi stares down at 'the ring' as she sometimes thinks of it. It's become something of a ritual, taking it off each morning before work and securing it in a small wooden box, and replacing it whenever she and Deeks happen to return for the night.

They'd help bring down a ring of gun traffickers/drug dealers/all around bad guys the night before and been rewarded for their efforts with two days off. She's looking forward to the opportunity of wearing her ring for more than eight hours at a time. Deeks is using their extra time to make something that smells surprisingly edible despite the fact that there isn't an egg in sight.

"Hey Babe," she calls as she heads in his direction, detecting a scent that smells suspiciously like jalapenos. "you need any help?"

"Nope, I am almost done. Be prepared to have your taste buds knocked right off your tongue." he shouts back and sounds insanely pleased with himself.

"Is that supposed to be a good thing?" The ringing of the doorbell cuts Deeks' retort short which Kensi figures isn't bad since she used up all her good comebacks during their last bout of wordplay.

"Did you invite someone to breakfast again and forget to tell me?" Deeks asks as Kensi heads for the door. "Hey, if it's my mom tell her we're absolutely not naming our first child after her!" They don't have a lot of visitors, so it's a pretty good guess that's it's one of their mom's and even more likely, Roberta, given her fondness for dropping by with various homemade foods and questions about impending grandmother-hood.

"Anything's better than Martina." Kensi shoots back before opening the door to find Sam standing on the other side. "Sam, hi. Is everything ok?" She asks, her mind instantly jumping to the worst case scenario.

"Hey Kensi, everything's fine. I know it's kind of early, but I was in the neighborhood and though I'd stop by. Hope I'm not interrupting anything." Kensi nods as though it makes perfect sense that Sam would be in a neighborhood thirty minutes from his own.

"Of course, no, come in. It's been too long." She steps forward for a hug once Sam has cleared the threshold which he immediately returns with gusto. He gives her an extra squeeze before letting go.

"Mama, I hope you like enchiladas." Deeks shouts, his voice growing louder as he approaches. Sam smiles, his expression slightly wistful while Kensi rolls her eyes.

"I missed that." Sam says quietly. "Missed all of you."

"Hey, Sam! Wasn't expecting you." Deeks greets a few seconds later, sounding just as surprised as Kensi but nonetheless happy.

"I gathered that. You're making enchiladas for breakfast?" Sam asks, pulling Deeks into a one armed hug.

"They are a perfectly acceptable breakfast food, not to mention it might keep Kensi from demanding we stop at every single taco stand we drive by." Deeks defends himself as they head back through the house towards the kitchen.

"Hey, that is a gross exaggeration."

"I'll tell you what's gross; that place we just had to stop at off the bike trail. I'm surprised we didn't get chlamydia." Sam shakes his head at their antics, the closest he's come to a grin breaking out as Kensi attempts to smack Deeks until he placates her with a plate of steaming food.

"Pull up a chair, Sam, I made more than enough for three people…even with the wildebeest in attendance." It's obvious that Sam's gut instinct is to decline, but after a few moments of silence he nods his head and settles himself at the couple's dining room table.

"So, how have things been?" Kensi asks once everyone is served and they've eaten a few bites of Deeks' creation. "We haven't seen you since Kamran's graduation party." Out of the corner of her eye she sees Deeks tense, as though he's waiting for Sam to explode at the casually voiced question.

"It's been good." Sam says immediately. "Better." He amends, noting Kensi and Deeks' dubious expressions. "I'm not gonna lie, it's been hard. Every day I think that it won't be so bad, that maybe I'll forget just a little bit, but I don't. I'm getting better at dealing with it, not wanting to drag Tahir out of hell just so I can kill him all over again but" he shrugs, "it'll be a long time before I stop thinking of Michelle every day. And I don't know if I want to start to forget, even if it does hurt." Kensi wipes a finger at her eyes, her voice failing her in the face of Sam's grief. She feels Deeks' hand search hers out under the table and finds a small amount of comfort when he gives it a quick squeeze.

"You know we're here for you, all of us," Kensi nods between herself and Deeks, "for whatever you need. That doesn't stop just because it's been a few months, so don't think that you need to do any of this alone."

"Yeah, we're a team, man, so don't hesitate to ask." Deeks echoes.

"I appreciate that. And I appreciate how you've been picking up the slack while I'm gone. I don't know what I would've done those first couple weeks if I didn't know you guys had my back. That's why I stopped by, to say thank you and let y'all know I'm doing ok." Beside her, Deeks lowers his head slightly and she knows he doesn't believe he deserves Sam's appreciation. In both their minds, they've done far too little.

"Like we said, we're always here, doesn't matter what you need. Except if it involves cooking, then you probably shouldn't ask. Cause my culinary repertoire is fairly limited at this point and Kensi's still working on the difference between baking soda and baking powder." Deeks says. Both men chuckle at her expense, earning Deeks a smack to the chest, though this one lacks the force her punches used to have. It's worth a few insults if Deeks stupid jokes makes Sam laugh, even a little. Sam is still smiling when his eyebrows suddenly furrow, his gaze lingering on Kensi's hand, more specifically her ring finger.

"Why didn't you guys tell me you were engaged?" Sam asks, sounding slightly hurt but mostly confused. As he looks between the couple for an answer, Kensi flounders for an explanation that won't make this worse and turns to Deeks, hoping that he'll come with something tactful.

"Uh…Sam, we were going to tell you eventually." He begins, shoving a hand through his hair before continuing. "We just wanted to wait for a better time."

"We haven't told anyone else on the team. Or our moms." Kensi assures him.

"What do you mean, 'wait for a better time'?"

"We both felt that our engagement was happened too close to Michelle's…death and thought it would be cruel to celebrate it then. It felt selfish. Deek and I wanted to make that commitment but we didn't want to cause you anymore pain than necessary." Kensi explains. Somehow the words sound hollow once they leave her mouth. Sam shakes his head, looking a little stunned by their announcement and something else that Kensi can't quite identify. She prays it isn't anger.

"How long were you going to keep this to yourselves?" He asks casually, making Kensi feel like they're sitting in an interrogation room rather than their dining room table.

"I don't know, til it seemed like the right time. Maybe a few more months." Deeks supplies with a shrug. Sam chuckles then and mutters something under his breath that contains the word 'idiots'. Finally he pulls in a deep breath and fixes them with a gaze that demands they listen to what he's about to say.

Kensi, Deeks…I don't want that. I'm grateful that you wanted to give me time and tried to protect me, but you've kept this from everybody for how many months? You've kept this from your moms. Deeks, Roberta is gonna kill you when she finds out." Sam shakes his head again, pausing in his chastisement to clear his throat before he goes on. "You should be able to celebrate getting engaged. You should be able to enjoy being together and look forward to getting married without worrying about what I or anyone else feels."

"We thought it was for the best." Kensi whispers.

"And I appreciate that, but don't stop your lives for me. I want you to keep living and loving each other. I want to see you get married. The best way you can show me what we do has a purpose is to do that. Michelle filled our lives with as much as joy and love as she possibly could and she'd want that for you too." Sam argues, voice breaking with emotion and Kensi notices his fingers drop automatically to the wedding ring he still wears.

"You never know what's going to happen, so don't waste your time together. Not for me and not for anyone else." He manages hoarsely.

"We won't, Sam." Deeks assures him while Kensi places a hand on Sam's forearm. They finish their meal in near silence, the atmosphere not quite subdued but heavy with Sam's heartfelt words and memories of Michelle.

"I need to get home." Sam says twenty minutes later, standing to envelope each of them in another hug before he leaves and as he pats Deeks' back, Kensi hears him murmur something that she can't quite decipher.

"What did he say?" She asks as they watch Sam's car pull away. Deeks doesn't answer immediately, but wraps his arm around her waist, pressing her against his side.

"Don't wait, because no matter how much time you have, it's never enough."


End file.
